Needing an Attitude Adjustment January 14, 2009

It’s funny how I viewed the arrival of 2009.  In my opinion, 2008 was complete crap for us.  So it was with great relish that I embraced the turning of the calendar in to a new year.

But what does that really mean?  Can I honestly say that 2008 was really bad when I have a roof over my head and a healthy family?  Did my circumstances shape 2008, or did my attitude?  I’m beginning to believe that it was my attitude all the way.  I’m the reason why I did not enjoy most of last year.  And I will doom myself to the same fate if I see the turning of a man-made calendar as a way to believe that this year is better.  

What have I put my faith in?  Is my faith in a new year, all the while knowing that God exists outside of time?  Is my faith in my circumstances and as long as I have no hassles, then everything is good?  Good and bad – those two little words that sprang forth from the Garden of Eden.  We use those words to judge everything, and then we allow those judgments to control our attitude.  (I say we because surely I am not the only one. )

So here we are, two short weeks into 2009.  We have gotten word that my husband’s company is going to lay everyone off for the first week of the month for the next three months.  He can drain his vacation time or take unemployment pay for two of the weeks.  

What will I choose to do with this?  Will I decide that 2009 sucks as well because it sure is starting out that way?  Or will I choose to rejoice in the fact that Fred has a job?  Will I realize that our calendar and our plans and structures are so very temperal and that I would be much better off letting them go?  Truly walking in God’s Kingdom would break the chains to these things and bring so much peace – in the world but not of it.

Stay tuned, I’ll let you know!

What Really Matters December 23, 2008

In about 15 minutes, I’ll be headed down the highway for our 700 mile trek to northern New Jersey to spend Christmas with my husband’s family.  The drive is not something I ever look forward to, but we are splitting the drive and meeting up with Marti and her family this evening.  (She’s on my blogroll, but I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with the changes wordpress made, so I’m not sure how to link to her here).  

The sour mood I have allowed myself recently is lifting.  Really, the improved mood is not about Christmas.  This year I’ve mostly been disgusted with commercialism and how to break the vicious cycle, but that’s another post!  I have been realizing that I’m missing out on so much by being such a grouch.  I have a wonderful family, a roof over my head, and some great friends.  I have a Father who loves me with an undying love.  As we gather with family that we rarely see and undulge in food and gifts, it’s what money can’t buy that I want to hold on to.

May each of you have a wonderful Christmas.  May it be spent with those you love, and may you truly rest in the Prince of Peace.

Truth and Honesty December 11, 2008

Honesty is a strange thing.  I’ve always thought that being honest was telling the truth, but I don’t know that honesty and truth are really interchangable.  One can give their honest opinion about something, but the truth may be entirely different.

This is why I pulled into my shell a few months back.  I began to see that the truth about my life over the last ten years or so was very different from what I thought it was.  It doesn’t help that I am very skilled at being dishonest with myself.  I went into overload and it was painful.

The bottom line is that I forgot the Truth.  The Truth that entered this world physically in the form of a man two millenia ago.  The Truth that is greater than whatever painful discoveries, whatever poor choices, whatever moments of dishonesty I have indulged in.  The Truth that came to carry us back to our Father’s arms.  In this moment, that is where I choose to rest.

Stepping Out of My Shell December 7, 2008

September 22nd.  That was the last time I posted anything here.  It was also the last time that I visited anyone else’s blog.   An invisible line was crossed for me around that date, and I had had enough.  So I went into the strongest bout of hiding that I’ve undertaken in a while. 

I’m back to that place of pondering self preservation.  I pulled into my shell for that very reason.  I was somehow duped into believing that constructing thick walls would save me from pain.  This flawed way of thinking has only added to my pain.  I have barely called my few close friends, and I have not been in touch with my internet friends either.  I have even withdrawn some from my children.  That alone woke me up somewhat.  However, the most startling realization is that I no longer hear my Father’s voice.  I know He is there – He promised He would be.  I just stopped listening. 

So here I am.  I am a woman drowing and I’ve finally decided to come up for air.  I’ll be around again.

Fear Not is a Choice August 12, 2008

Okay – finally getting back.  It’s amazing how difficult it is for me to get quiet computer time around here.  Even now, it isn’t remotely quiet.

In my last post, I talked about being on a bit of a journey over the last several days.  I know that I have written several times about my battle with panic attacks and agoraphobia, and I don’t mean to be a broken record.  It’s just that I’m really feeling done with this whole thing.  I know that in order to be really done with it, I’m going to experience discomfort.  I don’t like discomfort.

I mentioned in my last post that I had been angry and had some things triggered in me after listening to a podcast over at Free Believers Network.  The title of that podcast is Replacing the Fear-Based Mindset.  Considering my last four years, I was all over that one!  But then Darin Hufford made the statement that fear is a choice.  I was beyond ticked.  I was pissed.

I emailed Darin about this and we have now had two phone conversations.  I love what he shared with me, and I can just hear the chains hitting the floor at my feet.  The chains that have kept me from going to the movies, the library, my son’s Christmas programs.  The chains that I allowed.

Darin shared with me that fear really is a choice because we are human.  We are not animals, and that is what separates us from animals – animals don’t have the freedom to choose.  The moment I say that I have no choice, I have degraded myself.

Fear is belief in evil and it is a choice that I have made.  For four years, I have believed that going to certain places would cause me to lose control.  I have lived in the imagined future of terrible possible outcomes.  I have a very good imagination when it comes to the future.  The problem is, living in those possibilities has completely robbed me of my present.  It has been my choice, but I wasn’t able to see that until now.

What about healthy fear that keeps us from getting bitten by snakes or hit by cars?  I asked.  That is called wisdom, Darin answered.  Well, duh!!  I have to agree with him now that there is no such thing as healthy fear.  When I am afraid, I am expecting my terrible imagined outcomes.  During a thunderstorm, I have faith that lightening will strike me.  In deep water, I have faith that I will drown.  It’s time for me to enjoy the beauty of the storm and the joy of swimming with my kids.  It’s time for me to join the present.

I used to be under the impression that fear is an emotion.  Thanks to Darin I now understand that it is faith that triggers the emotional response of being afraid.  If I begin to live in the present and put my faith in my Father who loves me beyond meausure, there will be no room for feeling afraid.

Yes, I can imagine some scenarios that would frighten me quite severely.  I know that there are awful things that people live through.  But I have this moment right now that has nothing to do with the future.

My Journey This Week August 10, 2008

So it has been a week already since I wrote anything here.  In some ways it has been years!!

This past week has been quite a journey.  The catalyst has been my decision to dive into the writings and podcasts of Darin Hufford over at the Free Believers Network.  Aida has been recommending his materials, and recently my close friend Melissa has been touched by these materials as well.  So I decided to check it out.

Two podcasts in, I was angry.  I was actually ticked off over a statement that Darin made regarding fear.  He said that fear is a choice.  Well, anyone who has suffered from panic attacks could tell you that it isn’t a choice.  At least, that’s what I thought.  I kept listening to the podcasts, though.

After a week of struggling with that podcast, I decided to write to Darin.  I needed an explanation.  He suggested a phone conversation, so we talked.  It was a great conversation!! 

That conversation and some other things that I have read and listened to triggered some things that have been longing to come to life within me.  My next 3 or 4 posts will deal with some of these things – including the fear issue that struck such a nerve with me.

I really have two reasons for writing the next few posts.  First of all, I just want to.  I want to be able to look back and have this.  The second reason is for whomever might be out there surfing the web and looking for someone who might be as screwed up as they are.  I really hope that some of my decisions to be a little more bluntly honest over the next few days might be to a great benefit for someone out there.  Because you aren’t alone.

The Year So Far July 21, 2008

Now that we are more than half-way through the year, I thought I’d look back and take stock of it so far.

• Allie (our dog) had pancreatitis.  Three days of IV treatment and a lovely vet bill.
• Our dishwasher broke and damaged our beautiful hardwood floor.  Replaced dishwasher.
• Brianna (our daughter) had surgery in March.  Still paying that bill, but she is the picture of health now.
• Fred (husband) missed work the entire month of May.  We’re still paying for his MRI and injection he had to have in his neck at an out-patient surgery place.  He is feeling much better now and we found out that his employers did not take any vacation time from him.
• Allie was sick again with a stomach virus and required more IV fluids.
• Allie somehow gave herself a hematoma in her ear that required surgery.  We post-dated checks at the vet through the end of October.
• The transmission in our van had to be replaced.  Blessedly, Honda acknowledged that they had a problem and only charged us for labor.  Labor was still over $800, but that beats $3,000.
• We received a letter from the IRS stating that we made a mistake on our 2006 taxes and owe them $600 plus interest.  Nice of them to take over a year to find it and then charge interest.
• Our washing machine broke.

Yes, all of this has taken place in just seven months!  We have not had a more ridiculous year.  I’m at the point now where I am just laughing at the absurdity.  I am so grateful that if we had to have a year like this, my heart was ready for it.  Even a year ago I would have been totally freaked.  A year ago I would have begged God to show me what I had done wrong.  I would have assumed that these events were directly related to my performance.  I would have been wrong.

The thing is, our dog is old, our appliances were old, and Honda had a problem.  The medical bills have been swallowing us up a bit because Fred’s employer went to a high deductible plan this year.  The timing of that pretty much stinks, but our daughter has been declared cured after two follow-up ultrasounds, and Fred was able to keep his vacation time and is doing much better.  Really, how could I ask for more?

Oh, and my dear in-laws have helped with our appliances.  They had extreme financial stress early in their marriage and decided that their children would not go through the same thing.  I am grateful to them.

It’s been a tough year.  It’s been a great year.

What Is the Point? July 16, 2008

…of this blog, that is.

Someone recently asked that question, and I never did give an answer.  I had to think about it, I guess.  When I first started this blog, I was under the impression that it was about finding myself – finding the me that had been buried in religion behind a mask of perfection. I used to live life very much on the surface, and I decided to take a dive.  I wanted to find the real mess of myself and begin to accept that person.  That was my original intent, but I now realize that there is far more to this.

I know that I mentioned a while back that I read Ted Dekker’s Circle Trilogy  last summer.  I love fiction, and Dekker is a wonderful writer.  It was this trilogy that inspired the title of this blog. 

The books are about a young man named Thomas Hunter.  It starts out in what looks very much like the place and time in which we live.  But then Thomas starts to have a problem.  Every time he falls asleep in this place and time, he wakes up in another dimension.  In that dimension, the story begins with all of creation in perfect harmony with their Creator and with one another.  Then you can guess what happens.

Everything in the other dimension is quite literal.  Once the fall takes place, the manifestation of sin is seen as a skin condition that is only alleviated by bathing in Elyon’s waters.  Not everyone is inclined to do this, though.  Self-preservation reigns supreme, and systems of religion arise.  It takes the ultimate sacrifice of the One who made them to bridge that gap once again. 

In order to receive this gift from Elyon, the people in this world must do so in quite a literal way.  I don’t want to give it all away, but it involves coming completely to the end of themselves, where Elyon can then fill them with His life. 

That is the desire my heart has in learning to breathe underwater.  I long to come to the end of myself in Elyon’s waters where I can really breathe in His life.  I am not naive in realizing that this process is never pleasant.  But I have learned that I really must lose my life in order to gain it.  I just hope that I’m a fast learner. ;)

Keep the Sprinklers On July 1, 2008

Keep those sprinklers on

The yards are green, the flowers are blooming

The southern states are fighting

No water for humans?

That’s okay…  Our yards are green

Our children can deal with it

In the meantime, keep those sprinklers on

And don’t worry about their angle

The cement needs watering, too

Trusting My Son’s Maker June 19, 2008

Our son is saying some things lately that are troubling my soul.  Maybe I am just easily troubled and need to go take a pill, but I am trying to keep my cool right now regarding some of his statements.

I posted about one of the incidents here on a forum I love to visit.  At the tender age of 8, Nathan is expressing doubt about the very existance of God.  There was another incident today.  We were driving past a cemetery and he mentioned how sad death is and how he misses his great-grandparents.  He talks non-stop, so I kind of gave him one of those pat answers that parents give when they just aren’t engaged.  Here is a snippet of our conversation:

Me (pat answer): Well, you know that you’ll see them (the grandparents) again someday.

Nathan: I know, I know!  In heaven and that stuff! (said with a major air of frustration)

Me: What’s wrong with that?

Nathan: I don’t know if I believe in heaven.

Me: What happens when we die then?

Nathan: We’re just done living.

What the crap?!!  He’s 8!!  Isn’t he still supposed to be riding on the coattails of our faith?  I know, there aren’t any formulas.  But I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world we have done wrong.

Then I started thinking about when he was only away from institutional religion one day per week.  He went to Christian school, Sunday morning church, Wednesday night church, and had it pretty much down pat.  There was no room for doubt and wrestling.  As I am writing this I am just now realizing the hidden blessing in this.  He is getting the opportunity to work these things out at a very young age instead of the age of 18 like I did.  There is far less trouble for him to find at this age, and he is here with us where we can help him with the wrestling.

Someone actually recommended that we seek out a children’s pastor to talk to him.  Nah!!  It’s still a tough thing to hear from one so young, but I choose in this moment to trust the One who made him and loves him more than I’ll ever fathom.