Learning to Breathe August 24, 2008

I had a minor setback in the timing of my desensitization process for panic and agoraphobia.  We had round two of a cold with a mild stomach virus mixed in.  Fun times!!  That’s why an entire week has slipped by without me saying anything here.  There was truly nothing of interest to report!

I did go to Carowinds amusement park with my son and sister yesterday.  It was a good exercise for me, though we have decided that we won’t do that anymore during the summer.  It’s pretty stinking hot in these parts, and we’re all so spoiled with air conditioning!  That and the lines were ridiculous. 

So back to why it was a good exercise.  Every time I got strapped into a ride and was no longer in control of my fate, that intense anxiety would wash over me.  As I’ve stated before here, having one of my children with me in these circumstances actually helps me to be a bit less self-centered and focus on them.  It was the same this time. 

I also began to notice the control that I really do have over this.  As long as I caught it early in the process and began to purposely relax my muscles and control my breathing, the anxious feelings actually subsided greatly.  It was so encouraging!!  Breathing seems to be key.  As long as my breathing is taking place only in the upper part of my lungs, I am much more likely to hyperventilate.  If I concentrate on deep breaths from the diaphragm, it has an extremely calming effect.  I was able to use these techniques and get through several rides without incident. 

It’s interesting how my body seems to have betrayed me over the last few years, but I can actually use my body to help get my life back.  We are amazingly created!

These rides are different from a dark auditorium full of people (my greatest challenge at this point), but I still feel a sense of accomplishment!!!

I Went to Church Today August 18, 2008

I went to church today.  At least I was there, physically, in the building. 

I unfortunately did give in today to the choking lack of oxygen and the profuse sweating brought on by exteme anxiety.  I ended up mostly sitting in the lobby.  I did, however, see my sister’s baby dedication.  Joshua yawned great big and tried to bite the pastor’s hand.  I didn’t blame him on either count.  (oops, did I just say that?!)

I have to say that the most interesting part of the morning was my daughter.  She had not been to a church meeting since she was a year old.  I was laughing inside when I dropped her off in the 3-year-old class.  The other children were sitting obediently at a table listening to the teacher read a verse off of a card.  Brianna walked in and saw the toys.  She was not interested whatsoever in sitting at the table and listening. 

A short time later, Brianna’s number went up on the big screen in the auditorium.  My sisters came out to tell me, so I went to check on things.  Brianna was standing with a teacher holding a paper towel to her nose.  She had found a wonderfully high place to jump from, and she went for it!  Unfortunately, her nose suffered for her thrilling leap.  That’s what happens when a child has an older brother!  It took a while to get the bleeding to stop, and then she was ready to play again.  After instructing her not to jump from anything, I went back to the lobby.  I nearly missed the dedication.

My sister, her husband and son were already on stage.  It was really sweet.  The pastor said something about Joshua living up to his name.  No pressure, little man!  Once that was over, I parked myself in the lobby again.

Why are church auditoriums so dark?  There was no natural light in there whatsoever.  That always bugged me.  And everything was so stinking loud in there.  I could hear fine outside the door.  I will say that the music was very nice.  I do occasionally miss singing with a group of people whose hearts are focused on God.  But then I have to ask myself, was my heart focused on God during the music when I used to go to church?  It really wasn’t.  I was mostly focused on wondering if I looked spiritual enough.  And I worried about the person in front of me hearing my singing voice because it is just so incredibly awful.

The sermon was about keeping the Sabbath holy.  It’s really a good thing that I wasn’t in there for that.  I don’t know if I could have silenced the objection rising in my soul.  Why are followers of Christ spending two hours a week learning to follow the Old Testament??  It makes no sense to me anymore.  Jesus said to love God and love people.  All of the law and the prophets hang on those two things.  Instead, my brother-in-law got to sit there listening to his pastor go on about how his pastor keeps Sundays holy and doesn’t wash his car or cut his grass.  My brother-in-law had to work today, and his pastor clearly disagrees.  Well I’d like to ask his pastor if he draws a paycheck for what he does on Sunday mornings.  Is that not his job?  Is that not work???  It’s really sad because there are people out there like my sister and her husband who set their work schedules around each other so that they can keep their kids at home.  Should they put them back in day care so that they neither one have to work on Sunday?  What is really important here?

I digress.  Sorry.  I clearly still have some issues with the machine.  So my decision today was to go, but not to participate.  I didn’t miss anything, and my vantage point and the fact that I didn’t close my eyes when the pastor prayed for my nephew gave me the opportunity to watch the sweet baby when no one else was looking.  He is so cute!  I need to post some pictures soon.

My anxiety boot camp starts this week.  I know that this won’t be fun, but I look forward to being normal again!

A Decision August 16, 2008

Aside for my grandfather’s funeral over 17 months ago, I have not set foot in a “church” building in just over two years.  They have been two wonderful (though sometimes very difficult) years, with me learning more about the heart of God than I ever did sitting in a church pew. 

This Sunday my sister and brother-in-law are having their baby dedicated at their church, and we are invited.  This is a very interesting situation for me.  First of all, I have a choice right now to either make it about me, or to go and lovingly support my family members.  I want to go merely to love them, but even that decision is complicated – but only when I make it about me again.  What a vicious cycle!

The issue that I am facing right now is walking in deeper levels of freedom from a life lived in anxiety and panic attacks.  I’m excited about being in this place, but I wasn’t prepared for this invitation before my boot camp.  My counselor and I are laying out a schedule to attack this issue in my life over the next few weeks by going into situations that I have avoided for the last few years.  She is confident that I will be able to beat this thing, and I finally am as well.  Church was the last thing on my list.  I was going to visit somewhere just once so that I knew I could do it.  I’ve barely touched the list and now I’m faced with the church thing already.

Now I’m going to be blatantly honest, and some of you out there might think I’m insane.  I honestly think that institutional religion was leading me on the path to craziness, but that’s another story.  My very first panic attack happened in church.  We were at a very quiet moment during “praise and worship” where the music pastor asked everyone to be still before the Lord.  In charismatic circles, this is the point where someone either broke out speaking in tongues or someone had a “word” for the congregation.  Anyway, during that still moment, I suddenly had the overwhelming urge to shout the word F*** in front of God and everyone.  It was a horrifying moment and I went into all-out panic.  I fled.  The next week I assumed that it was just a fluke and things would just go back to normal.  Wrong!!!  That word welled up again.

Back at that time I never swore.  These days I’m not so prudish, but mostly because my understanding of what swearing is has changed.  It’s not something I’m teaching my kids to do, but I’m not going to hell if I slam my finger in a drawer and have something to say about it.  But four years ago during this initial time of panic, I didn’t swear.

Really, it’s no wonder I wanted to shout that word in such a setting.  I was split in two, putting on the good Stepford Wife Christian face, but knowing that I was someone totally different inside.  In so many ways, that very place had crushed my heart. 

So here I am with this invitation.  It’s not the same church we used to attend, but the vibe will be very similar.  I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.  I do believe that I have a choice – a choice to sit there if I want to, and a choice to leave.  I also have the choice to shout the f-word, but I’m thinking that won’t be the most helpful choice. ;)  In many ways it would probably help me, but I’m going this Sunday for my sister.  Stay tuned….  It’s hard to tell what I might decide!

Fear Not is a Choice August 12, 2008

Okay – finally getting back.  It’s amazing how difficult it is for me to get quiet computer time around here.  Even now, it isn’t remotely quiet.

In my last post, I talked about being on a bit of a journey over the last several days.  I know that I have written several times about my battle with panic attacks and agoraphobia, and I don’t mean to be a broken record.  It’s just that I’m really feeling done with this whole thing.  I know that in order to be really done with it, I’m going to experience discomfort.  I don’t like discomfort.

I mentioned in my last post that I had been angry and had some things triggered in me after listening to a podcast over at Free Believers Network.  The title of that podcast is Replacing the Fear-Based Mindset.  Considering my last four years, I was all over that one!  But then Darin Hufford made the statement that fear is a choice.  I was beyond ticked.  I was pissed.

I emailed Darin about this and we have now had two phone conversations.  I love what he shared with me, and I can just hear the chains hitting the floor at my feet.  The chains that have kept me from going to the movies, the library, my son’s Christmas programs.  The chains that I allowed.

Darin shared with me that fear really is a choice because we are human.  We are not animals, and that is what separates us from animals – animals don’t have the freedom to choose.  The moment I say that I have no choice, I have degraded myself.

Fear is belief in evil and it is a choice that I have made.  For four years, I have believed that going to certain places would cause me to lose control.  I have lived in the imagined future of terrible possible outcomes.  I have a very good imagination when it comes to the future.  The problem is, living in those possibilities has completely robbed me of my present.  It has been my choice, but I wasn’t able to see that until now.

What about healthy fear that keeps us from getting bitten by snakes or hit by cars?  I asked.  That is called wisdom, Darin answered.  Well, duh!!  I have to agree with him now that there is no such thing as healthy fear.  When I am afraid, I am expecting my terrible imagined outcomes.  During a thunderstorm, I have faith that lightening will strike me.  In deep water, I have faith that I will drown.  It’s time for me to enjoy the beauty of the storm and the joy of swimming with my kids.  It’s time for me to join the present.

I used to be under the impression that fear is an emotion.  Thanks to Darin I now understand that it is faith that triggers the emotional response of being afraid.  If I begin to live in the present and put my faith in my Father who loves me beyond meausure, there will be no room for feeling afraid.

Yes, I can imagine some scenarios that would frighten me quite severely.  I know that there are awful things that people live through.  But I have this moment right now that has nothing to do with the future.

My Journey This Week August 10, 2008

So it has been a week already since I wrote anything here.  In some ways it has been years!!

This past week has been quite a journey.  The catalyst has been my decision to dive into the writings and podcasts of Darin Hufford over at the Free Believers Network.  Aida has been recommending his materials, and recently my close friend Melissa has been touched by these materials as well.  So I decided to check it out.

Two podcasts in, I was angry.  I was actually ticked off over a statement that Darin made regarding fear.  He said that fear is a choice.  Well, anyone who has suffered from panic attacks could tell you that it isn’t a choice.  At least, that’s what I thought.  I kept listening to the podcasts, though.

After a week of struggling with that podcast, I decided to write to Darin.  I needed an explanation.  He suggested a phone conversation, so we talked.  It was a great conversation!! 

That conversation and some other things that I have read and listened to triggered some things that have been longing to come to life within me.  My next 3 or 4 posts will deal with some of these things – including the fear issue that struck such a nerve with me.

I really have two reasons for writing the next few posts.  First of all, I just want to.  I want to be able to look back and have this.  The second reason is for whomever might be out there surfing the web and looking for someone who might be as screwed up as they are.  I really hope that some of my decisions to be a little more bluntly honest over the next few days might be to a great benefit for someone out there.  Because you aren’t alone.

Summertime Blues August 3, 2008

Summertime colds are just soooo lovely!  It started with 3 yo daughter, and that in itself was the problem.  Children at that age use any and everything to wipe their noses, and Brianna’s nose is very productive right now.  She uses her hands and arms, her bedding, and my shirt.  I think she has used her dad’s shirt as well, because he and I have both caught it.  Only Nathan has been spared.

Colds are definitely for the winter.  How can one properly enjoy a cold when the outdoor thermometer reads 102 degrees in the shade?  It’s too hot to drink tea.

On the drought front, we did get a good rain shower last night.  We’ve had a few showers recently.  They never last long, but they are at least something.   I’m going to have to buy another bird bath because the birds and squirrels are fighting over the one that we have.  I was out there yesterday sweating buckets with my stuffed up head trying to keep plants and animals alive.

I’m not in a great mood right now, but I know that ultimately I don’t have much to complain about.  It’s probably more like nothing to complain about!  But I’m good at finding things when I look.