God, Help Me Love the Christians July 31, 2008

We have decided to enter the world of homeschool co-op this fall.  After my last post about wanting to enter those places that I have avoided due to panic attacks, this was quite a big deal for me.  What has made it an even bigger deal is that the co-op we are joining is held in a church building and it is a “Christian” co-op.  My panic attacks began in church, so this is definitely hitting a big nerve.

Registration was two nights ago.  I could almost laugh at the situation if it wasn’t so uncomfortable.  As my husband and I entered the large auditorium devoid of natural light, my breathing and heart rates both quickened.  The flight response was immediate.  No, I said to myself. I’m staying.  I walked to the front of the room and got in line.  I stayed in line and saw some familiar faces.  So far, so good.  Then trouble.

We saw a couple that we had known from our former church and hadn’t seen in probably four years.  It was nice to see them, but then the husband opened his mouth to speak.  I don’t think he took a breath for fifty minutes.  One of his first questions was the customary, So where are you going to church?  The question has become so absurd to us as we see the Church as people and not a building.  As soon as we told him that we don’t attend meetings anymore, his response was immediate.  You need to come to our house!  We’re having meetings.

The following fifty minutes were all about his spiritual adventures.  He had prayed for this one and that one and they were healed.  He went to Lakeland.  The more he talked, using those spiritual words and terms that now sound so contrived to me, the more I wanted to flee.  I twitched and fidgeted like a young child forced to sit through something unpleasant.  I made excuses to step out and and breathe.  My dear husband sat through it all very politely.

The thing is, I do believe that God heals.  I have nothing against prayer.  I am much more disillusioned about these big revival experiences that seem to produce an emotional hype and no lasting heart change, but I’m not judging anyone who feels like they need to go to Lakeland.  It’s just not for me.  I think what triggered the anxiety was the typical religious mindset that if you aren’t having these experiences, you are missing out.  He kept saying that he wanted to see us stupid and crazy for God.  I almost told him that he would see crazy if he didn’t stop talking, but I refrained.

I’m glad it happened in a way, and I can’t fault the guy who was talking our ears off.  He recently nearly died, so I can understand his zeal.  It was a good reminder for me, though.  I’ve spent the last couple of years with very little interaction with zealous evangelicals.  It’s funny how foreign they seem to me when I was one only a couple of years ago.  I need to learn how to love them.  Because this fall, I’ll be surrounded by them at co-op.  Father, help!!

Precious Enough July 29, 2008

We were recently at Frankie’s Fun Park with our kids.  Our 3-year-old daughter had never been there before, and she was taking it all in with the exuberance that children are so good at.  Right off the bat, she wanted to ride on the go karts.  That meant, of course, that I had to drive.

I had never driven a go kart before.  It was just nothing that had ever interested me.  That would usually never deter me, but those who have been reading this blog with any frequency know that I’ve been in quite a battle with panic disorder and agoraphobia for the last few years.  Even something so small as a go kart ride can seem so overwhelming.

We got strapped in and waited.  My body and mind began to betray me.  I was sweating, my heart was racing, and I wanted off the go kart now!!  But then I looked over at little Brianna.  She was looking up at me and smiling the most beautiful smile – one of those smiles that just hit you right in the gut.  I decided then that she was precious enough to get her go kart ride.  We went off without another problem and she smiled and laughed the entire way.

I’ve been noticing that lately.  I’ll be in a situation that I am determined to flee, and one look at her or her brother and I just can’t drag them away.  They are so precious to me that I have at times stared this thing down and been victorious.  It’s always for them.

Then Father pointed something out to me a few days ago.  I am also precious enough.  I am precious enough to enjoy the library again and concerts and other things that I have backed away from because the pain of the panic has seemed too much.  I am precious enough to fight for.  This fight is not against flesh and blood, but it is a fight nonetheless.  It’s a fight against the lie that I have embraced.  Now I just need to exchange it for the Truth.

I’m glad it’s not a test.  I’m not sure how I’m going to go about this, to be honest.  I’m just ready to try again. I know that I will fail and flee again.  But someday I won’t.  I have finally given myself permission to enter the ring again without dealing the blows to myself.  The status quo isn’t enough anymore.  I’m hungry for more.

Not Marketable July 25, 2008

I’ve been looking for ways to try and help boost the family income.  I have come to one conclusion.  I am not marketable.  Strangely enough, I almost don’t care.  The part of me that doesn’t want to make sacrifices in the family budget cares, but the true me does not.

I went to college right out of high school.  I had no clue who I was, let alone what I wanted as a career.  I had taken four years of Spanish in high school, so I just kept going.  I thought about being an English or Social Studies teacher, but my professors convinced me that it would be too difficult to find a job.  Spanish was the way to go.  I got my certification.  But I didn’t love it.

I never did end up as a Spanish teacher.  I mostly worked in an office, and I taught Language Arts one year in a Christian school.  Then I got pregnant, and I’ve been home since.

So what can one do from home?  I’m not interested in direct marketing.  Call center jobs require a designated and quiet room – not conducive to having a dog and two kids!  I’d be fired for sure.  I don’t know how to make anything (except dinner – and sometimes that is questionable ). 

Honestly, my dream job right now would be going to the hospital and holding babies.  I remember when Nathan was in the neonatal ICU.  There was a baby in there whose mother did not want her.  I wanted to hold her so much.  That’s what I would love to do.  Hold babies that need it, but not have to wake up through the night and take care of them.  Yep, my dream job has no paycheck attached.

So, we’re back to cutting back.  The beast inside screams.  I want!  I want!!  I really wish it would just shut up.

The Year So Far July 21, 2008

Now that we are more than half-way through the year, I thought I’d look back and take stock of it so far.

• Allie (our dog) had pancreatitis.  Three days of IV treatment and a lovely vet bill.
• Our dishwasher broke and damaged our beautiful hardwood floor.  Replaced dishwasher.
• Brianna (our daughter) had surgery in March.  Still paying that bill, but she is the picture of health now.
• Fred (husband) missed work the entire month of May.  We’re still paying for his MRI and injection he had to have in his neck at an out-patient surgery place.  He is feeling much better now and we found out that his employers did not take any vacation time from him.
• Allie was sick again with a stomach virus and required more IV fluids.
• Allie somehow gave herself a hematoma in her ear that required surgery.  We post-dated checks at the vet through the end of October.
• The transmission in our van had to be replaced.  Blessedly, Honda acknowledged that they had a problem and only charged us for labor.  Labor was still over $800, but that beats $3,000.
• We received a letter from the IRS stating that we made a mistake on our 2006 taxes and owe them $600 plus interest.  Nice of them to take over a year to find it and then charge interest.
• Our washing machine broke.

Yes, all of this has taken place in just seven months!  We have not had a more ridiculous year.  I’m at the point now where I am just laughing at the absurdity.  I am so grateful that if we had to have a year like this, my heart was ready for it.  Even a year ago I would have been totally freaked.  A year ago I would have begged God to show me what I had done wrong.  I would have assumed that these events were directly related to my performance.  I would have been wrong.

The thing is, our dog is old, our appliances were old, and Honda had a problem.  The medical bills have been swallowing us up a bit because Fred’s employer went to a high deductible plan this year.  The timing of that pretty much stinks, but our daughter has been declared cured after two follow-up ultrasounds, and Fred was able to keep his vacation time and is doing much better.  Really, how could I ask for more?

Oh, and my dear in-laws have helped with our appliances.  They had extreme financial stress early in their marriage and decided that their children would not go through the same thing.  I am grateful to them.

It’s been a tough year.  It’s been a great year.

Diving Deeper With a Book and a CD July 20, 2008

Ever since our son had the diagnosis of ADHD last winter, I have assumed that he inherited it from his father.    That is, until this summer.  I now believe that we all go through seasons of such behaviors.

For the last couple of months, I have had the same stack of books sitting on my nightstand, and I just can’t seem to finish them.  I’ll read a couple of pages here and there, but I’m just not connecting with the material.  It is very frustrating for me because I am the type of person who usually breezes through books.  Especially fiction.  Hmmm…  perhaps that is the problem.  There is no fiction on my nightstand.

I’ve had the same problem with music.  I love music!  I was in a musical desert for ten years listening only to Christian radio.  I was afraid to listen to anything else, having been taught that I cannot trust myself or the Sprit of God inside of me.  Listening to “secular” music would open the door for all kinds of terrible things.  What-ever!  I finally started listening to things that I love 18 months ago.  I has been so much fun!  There really is great music out there.  Some of my favorites are listed somewhere on the right.  Over the Rhine and U2 have been tops for me.

But this summer, I’ve just been so restless.  Tired of my books – tired of my music.  I’ve been hungry for something, but I haven’t known what.

Enter the book The God’s Honest Truth by Darin Hufford.  My friend loaned it to me.  I’m only in the third chapter, but I can’t put it down!  I admit to struggling in the beginning of it.  Darin was a pastor when he wrote it (not sure if he still is), and some of the language is a little churchy.  We haven’t attended church meetings in two years now, and I have automatically tuned things out when they have that church sound to them.  You know, words like annointed and covering that are thrown around to make people sound spiritual.  I used to do it.  I had to get past some of the words that Darin uses, but I am so glad that I did!  The things I still have to learn about love!!  This is just the tip of the iceberg!  I was in tears reading the book just an hour ago.  They weren’t tears of condemnation at all, but tears of response to an invitation.  It is a beautiful book.

Thankfully, music has not been neglected either.  Can anyone say JOSH GARRELS?!!  My soul has been starving for his stuff!  It is refreshing and beautiful and funky and reverent (dare I say annointed? – nah!). I’ve been listening to Over Oceans, but Cynthia says that her favorite is Underquiet.  He has a new album coming out next month!  It is the first overtly Christian music I have been able to stomach in two years. 

I weep over the beauty of the journey I find  myself on.  Some days just really stink, but I am so grateful – grateful to be alive and loved and grateful for these things that are helping to quench my thirst.  A book and a CD that are taking me deeper into the only Living Water.

What Is the Point? July 16, 2008

…of this blog, that is.

Someone recently asked that question, and I never did give an answer.  I had to think about it, I guess.  When I first started this blog, I was under the impression that it was about finding myself – finding the me that had been buried in religion behind a mask of perfection. I used to live life very much on the surface, and I decided to take a dive.  I wanted to find the real mess of myself and begin to accept that person.  That was my original intent, but I now realize that there is far more to this.

I know that I mentioned a while back that I read Ted Dekker’s Circle Trilogy  last summer.  I love fiction, and Dekker is a wonderful writer.  It was this trilogy that inspired the title of this blog. 

The books are about a young man named Thomas Hunter.  It starts out in what looks very much like the place and time in which we live.  But then Thomas starts to have a problem.  Every time he falls asleep in this place and time, he wakes up in another dimension.  In that dimension, the story begins with all of creation in perfect harmony with their Creator and with one another.  Then you can guess what happens.

Everything in the other dimension is quite literal.  Once the fall takes place, the manifestation of sin is seen as a skin condition that is only alleviated by bathing in Elyon’s waters.  Not everyone is inclined to do this, though.  Self-preservation reigns supreme, and systems of religion arise.  It takes the ultimate sacrifice of the One who made them to bridge that gap once again. 

In order to receive this gift from Elyon, the people in this world must do so in quite a literal way.  I don’t want to give it all away, but it involves coming completely to the end of themselves, where Elyon can then fill them with His life. 

That is the desire my heart has in learning to breathe underwater.  I long to come to the end of myself in Elyon’s waters where I can really breathe in His life.  I am not naive in realizing that this process is never pleasant.  But I have learned that I really must lose my life in order to gain it.  I just hope that I’m a fast learner. ;)

Settled With the Mystery (mostly) July 13, 2008

There has been a lot of conversation over the last few days on the God Journey forum regarding the nature of God.  The discussion was triggered by The Shack, one of my favorite books ever.  The picture painted of God in this book is one of incredible love and tenderness.  The Shack has been a tremendous tool in the transformation of my relationship with God.

The discussion on the forum got a little heated in places, and I ended up putting myself in time out for the last couple of days.  But I have been following along because the topic at hand is a struggle that almost every Christian I’ve ever met has faced.  How do you reconcile the accounts of God in the OT with the accounts in the NT?  How do you go from a God ordering the Hebrews to kill everyone (including babies) that they fought in battle to the writings we have of Jesus?  The two just don’t seem to jive in any way.

When I was caught up in religion, I never asked the question.  The question seemed too dangerous, and I felt safe in my little world.  But I have allowed the question over the last couple of years.  Here are some of the things that have been posted on the forum I mentioned above that really resonate with me:

“Paul reveals to us in Rom. 11 that blindness had been Israel’s portion until that time when the elect were  being granted sight. The entirety of the OT was recorded by the blind (or at the very least, partially blind). Should we trust how they saw God? -OR- Are we on solid ground to trust the sight of Jesus, and what He revealed of God to us?” - Carla

“it is interesting how every translation of scripture is also an interpretation.  often the passages about god repenting are filtered through the translator’s paradigm and they try to paint a picture more consistent with their preconceived conceptions of god.  what a trip.” - Rob

In response to Genesis 38:1-10: “maybe from god’s perspective it is more like pulling a couple of boys out of the game and putting them in the penalty box because they are making a mess on the field of play.  just thinking out loud.” - Rob

“How could a nomadic tribe not that far removed from paganisn know what God was like? Would God pose a situation to them like He had to Abraham to see what their beliefs would drive them to? Abraham refrained from the practice of human sacrifice but the Israelites went on to practice the warfare of their day that included rape, torture and genocide. Was God trying to walk them out of that system by doing what He could to regulate the worst of those abuses? I am definitely thinking out loud here. It seems that God was taking the same kind of risk that He took with Adam, in creating human beings with the capacity to respond in freedom there is also the terrible possibility of rebellion and darkness. Israel more often than not gave itself over to some of the most hideous practices of their day in the name of Baal, Molech and Ashtoreth so why couldn’t they have been mistaken about what they thought God was asking them to do?” - Fran (emphasis mine)

“what religion has kept us from doing is asking questions and has told us things in terms of absolutes and it has been fear that has been used to keep us from going on our journey of personal discovery. It can be a very scary thing when one sets out on such a journey of questioning. A few years ago I just couldn’t defend it anymore in the way I had grown up defending it. And once I came to a place in my life where I was exhausted and angry, it had a way of exposing all of the denial I was living in and all the hoops I was jumping through in an attempt to keep it all working….and it wasn’t working. And here is the amazing thing. What I had been warned about by religion came true. I had always been told if I questioned it it might just fall apart. And so, once I began to question and reconsider things it all did fall apart. My belief system was an illusion and it had nothing to do with faith. During that process I came to this realization. This is either the most awesome cosmic mystery we are a part of or this is a joke. I was faced at that time with what seems to be the biggest decision of my life. Was I going to believe that God had spoken? And for us in the time of the New Covenant that spoken Word turns out to be Jesus, a person who seemed to be challenging me to “wipe the slate clean” and start all over. So I did. It’s been a pretty wild suprising ride so far. And I feel perfectly safe in saying I don’t know about the things I really don’t know and some of those things scripture seems to be no help in nailing down. Today I actually think/wonder if there is a purpose in that also?”  - Kent

One of my favorite lines from The Shack is this line that Papa speaks - “Mack, you have no idea what I’m doing right now.”  He is the One who created entire solar systems all the way down to an amoeba. How can we expect to understand the big picture? 

The questions are fun to explore and should be asked.  If we are to trust God, we must trust His character.  But at some point, I realized that I must be willing to embrace mystery.  And I’m mostly settled there right now.

Family Fun July 12, 2008

Why is it hardest to be oneself around family?  I spent the entire day with my two children, my two younger sisters, my niece, and two nephews.  We went from spending hours at a fun park to more hours in my sister’s pool.  It was a loooong day!  Four of the five kids are under the age of six.

Most of the day was fine except for two minor incidents.  We were at my youngest sister’s house swimming and decided to get pizza for dinner.  My growing son (Nathan) was famished after such a day, so he jumped up to his plate and dove in.  The scene involved my other sister and went something like this:

My sister: Nathan, did you say the blessing?

Nathan: No. (Takes another bite)

My sister: Nathan, you need to say the blessing! (meanwhile, my daughter takes a bite) Brianna, did you say the blessing?

Brianna just looks at my sister.

Nathan: I don’t want to say the blessing.  We don’t say it.

My sister: Tina, Nathan says he doesn’t say the blessing.

Me: We only say it occasionally.  I don’t want them praying out of mindless routine.  (I begin to chicken out) Nathan, say the blessing.

Nathan: I don’t want to!

That is literally how it went down.  We were not at that particular sister’s house, and the sister whose house we were at is not a stickler about praying before a meal.  But I suddenly felt self-conscious and like a spiritual loser.  So I went over and took each of my children’s hands and prayed.  I hoped that it was sufficient.

On the way home, I apologized to Nathan.  You see, we stopped praying before a meal about two years ago except for those times when one of us truly feels a leading or desire to pray or during special occasions.  It does happen, and sometimes Nathan initiates it himself.  It had become such a religious habit that it meant next to nothing.  When someone prays now, it actually has meaning. 

I did clarify to Nathan that we do need to respect the wishes of our hosts when we are at someone else’s house.  He can close his eyes and sit quietly while someone else prays.  Other than that, I should not have tried to force Nathan to do something because I was uncomfortable.

The other incident today involved my nephew, and once again, my son.  Nathan was reminiscing about a show called Dragon Tales that he used to watch as a toddler on PBS.  My nephew immediately started blasting him about it and saying that he’s not allowed to watch it and that Nathan will be in darkness forever because of it.  How charming!  I think my sister has forgotten that we grew up watching the Smurfs and not one of us is a witch!

I really can’t be mad at my sister.  Just a short time ago, I was the same way.  But I do wish that there was more freedom among family members to be ourselves.  Family should be the place of least judgment, but it is usually the place with the most.

It Says WHAT?? July 9, 2008

I was spending some time chatting on The God Journey forum today.  During the course of the conversation, I was trying to think of ways to support the idea that God shows us respect.  One of the first things that popped into my head was something that I assumed was scripture.  It was uttered by the most spiritual among us back when I used to attend chuch.  When someone was facing something terrible, the “true” believers were quick to say The Lord doesn’t give us more than we can bear.

Perfect, I thought.  Here is a great example of God showing us loving respect.  The problem is that I didn’t try to look it up first.  I just put it out there and said that it’s somewhere in the Bible.  Then someone else pointed out what she thought I was referring to.

In the NIV, 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.  I was floored.  The crazy thing is that I’ve read that verse myself before but could never see what it really said because of my religious experiences.  I do believe that after one of my miscarriages someone even said to me, The Lord doesn’t give us more than we can bear.

This scripture is clearly not about tragic things happening to someone.  How do we get things so screwed up?  It is becoming abundantly clear to me that I cannot trust much of what I was fed during the decade that my rear warmed a church pew.  I was so compliant in those days that I believed what was being said even if my eyes saw something completely different in the book in front of me.

By the way, I’m really glad I was wrong about that verse.  The way I had remembered it implies that God personally gives us the difficult events in our life.  What the verse truly says is that there is always hope in times of great temptation.

An Explanation of My Last Post July 3, 2008

Okay, so my last post here was a bit odd for what I normally write.  I just sat down the other day in my anger and just typed what came to mind.  Here is the back story for those who were scratching their heads in bewilderment:

Hezekiah is lauded as one of the great OT kings.  He ruled the southern kingdom of Jordan, about 100 years before the destruction of Solomon’s temple by the Babylonians (isn’t Wikipedia great? I’m no historian, really).  The thing most people remember about Hezekiah is that he was a great king who desired to do the will of the Lord. 

The way I remember Hezekiah is quite unfortunate.  Please don’t let my memory of him ruin yours, but this is what stands out to me the most.  Isa. 39:7-8 says, And some of your descendants, your own flesh and blood, who will be born to you, will be taken away, and they will become eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.  “The word of the Lord you have spoken is good,” Hezekiah replied.  For he thought, “There will be peace and security in my lifetime.”

Hezekiah had just found out from the prophet Isaiah that his proud display of all of his wealth to a Babylonian prince would result in them losing everything to Babylon.  His primary thought was that it wouldn’t happen in his lifetime.

This leads me to my post from the other day.  This article expresses the current state of things in 5 South Carolina counties.  We have been upgraded from severe drought to extreme drought.  I live in one of those 5 counties (Greenville), and the last sentence of this article is what really got me.  It said, The committee did not recommend mandatory water restrictions.

It has not been all that long since I was part of the church-going, evangelical community.  I am not even remotely computer savvy, so if you don’t mind clicking one more time, click here.  (I love The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus!)  I used to believe that since the “true believers” are going to be raptured, who cares about the earth?  God’s going to burn it up anyway.  We may as well use what we can before we move on. 

How arrogant I was.  We don’t know the timeline, and the details of what is going to go down seem even more unclear as I draw closer to Father.  He doesn’t want me to worry about those things, but I am burdened now for the mess I may leave my children.  My former attitude is no different from that of Hezekiah.  If I’m not here when we lose it all, that’s okay!  Sorry, kids.

I can’t live that way anymore, and I can’t believe that in this extreme drought I am still seeing people watering their sidewalks because they don’t pay attention to the angle of their sprinklers.  I can’t even bring myself to water my grass.  We’re keeping our tomato plants, herbs and flowers alive, and we’re sharing with the birds.  That’s it.  But at least a third of the lawns in our neighborhood are green. 

So instead of truly educating the public and even (gasp!) creating restrictions, we’re going to fight with Georgia and North Carolina over the water that lies between us.  That bit was in Sunday’s paper.  I don’t understand.  We are a selfish people.