A Season of Hope June 26, 2008

It occurred to me the other day that I hadn’t shared here about how much better I am doing since my season of darkness last winter.  I don’t even know if I fully disclosed how dark the period had been.  It started ever so slightly a year ago and gradually picked up until by Christmas I was almost completely agoraphobic.  I’m sure it goes without saying that agoraphobia brings with it a host of other things as well.  When you have been a highly functioning individual and suddenly cannot bring yourself to leave your house, the self-esteem is battered.

It seems like it has taken forever, but really it has only been six months since the darkest of that time.  I am back to my level of functioning that I was a year ago; taking the kids places, meeting friends for coffee, driving on the highway.  It has been four years since panic attacks first struck and I have never reclaimed some of the ground.  But I am hopeful again.  I am a work in progress.  Maybe I’ll get to see U2 in concert the next time that they tour.  That would be major progress!!

I remember something Wayne Jacobsen said to me when he was visiting with a group of us followers of Christ a few months ago.  He said something along the lines of, “We are so quick to think of something like panic attacks as a bad thing.  Maybe Father is putting His finger on something in your life that He desires to restore.” 

I had certainly viewed panic attacks as very bad before.  Now I see them as more of a neutral thing that I go through.  They are my body’s way of letting me know that something is out of balance.  And if God is putting His finger on something, I am trying to learn to roll with it.  I still don’t like it, but growth usually is a bit painful.

Live in the moment.  Stop worrying about the next traffic light or next crowd of people.  I’m never really trapped, and I’m never really alone.  I’m in a new season of hope.

Happy Birthday to Me June 25, 2008

In honor of my 35th birthday today, I have compiled a list of some of my favorite things.  Most of what I truly want cannot be purchased.  That must be a sign of aging!!  Here they are in no particular order:

My family (of course!)

The smell of rain

Freshly fallen snow - before kids and dogs destroy it

The smell of newborn babies

Dogs

Autumn in the North where Maple trees abound

The feel of soft grass under bare feet

Big family get-togethers with too much food

The laughter of children

Dozing on the beach to the sound of the ocean

Good conversation over a bottle of wine

The smell of books

A fire in the fireplace on a cold day

God’s love that truly never fails

Silencing the What Ifs June 23, 2008

Kent wrote a post a few days ago that I just can’t shake.  You can read it here.

My favorite quote from what Kent wrote is Hypotheticals are a form of future tripping and Jesus doesn’t exist in those imagined futures. So we are left all alone there with our fear, and then all that makes sense is self-preservation.

Two posts ago I wrestled with my husband’s desire to move and my desire to not move.  I would have to say that at least 75% of my desire not to move is based purely on hypotheticals.  I even painted a few what if scenarios in that post.  There are many more where those came from.  Ugh.  It is this very same line of thinking that has plunged me into agoraphobic darkness before.  Something might cause me pain and discomfort, so I just won’t go there.  I don’t know for sure if it will cause pain, but I must preserve myself.

Jesus, help me silence the what ifs.

Self-preservation… fear… control…  Love is stranged by them.  I long to be free to love.

Trusting My Son’s Maker June 19, 2008

Our son is saying some things lately that are troubling my soul.  Maybe I am just easily troubled and need to go take a pill, but I am trying to keep my cool right now regarding some of his statements.

I posted about one of the incidents here on a forum I love to visit.  At the tender age of 8, Nathan is expressing doubt about the very existance of God.  There was another incident today.  We were driving past a cemetery and he mentioned how sad death is and how he misses his great-grandparents.  He talks non-stop, so I kind of gave him one of those pat answers that parents give when they just aren’t engaged.  Here is a snippet of our conversation:

Me (pat answer): Well, you know that you’ll see them (the grandparents) again someday.

Nathan: I know, I know!  In heaven and that stuff! (said with a major air of frustration)

Me: What’s wrong with that?

Nathan: I don’t know if I believe in heaven.

Me: What happens when we die then?

Nathan: We’re just done living.

What the crap?!!  He’s 8!!  Isn’t he still supposed to be riding on the coattails of our faith?  I know, there aren’t any formulas.  But I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world we have done wrong.

Then I started thinking about when he was only away from institutional religion one day per week.  He went to Christian school, Sunday morning church, Wednesday night church, and had it pretty much down pat.  There was no room for doubt and wrestling.  As I am writing this I am just now realizing the hidden blessing in this.  He is getting the opportunity to work these things out at a very young age instead of the age of 18 like I did.  There is far less trouble for him to find at this age, and he is here with us where we can help him with the wrestling.

Someone actually recommended that we seek out a children’s pastor to talk to him.  Nah!!  It’s still a tough thing to hear from one so young, but I choose in this moment to trust the One who made him and loves him more than I’ll ever fathom.   

What Am I So Afraid Of? June 16, 2008

My husband is thoroughly tired of living in the South.  He is not a fan of temperatures that constantly exceed 90 degrees F, and that pretty much sums up our entire summers here.  He wants to have a garden but can’t stand the thought of maintaining one in this heat.  He misses the snow.  He is also miserable at his place of employment and has had great difficulty finding another job in this area that he would actually enjoy.  His biggest obstacle in a northward move?  Me.

I have put down my roots.  My entire immediate family all migrated here after I did, and now I have two nephews and a niece.  I have made a couple of friends that I can’t imagine life without.  I rather like the thought of being close to someone that I know and having a network of sorts. 

Bottom line - I’m afraid of being alone.

So here we sit.  He wants to move and I want to stay.  He wants to play in the snow with our kids and plant a garden with them.  I want to see them grow up with their cousins and have a set of grandparents nearby.  Granted, we don’t see my family all that often for as close as we live to each other.  Everyone is always that word that I hate – busy.  Even get-togethers with our friends are infrequent.  But I so like knowing that they are here and I can call any of them when I need or want to.  And sometimes they call me.

I was so brave when I moved here.  I was not quite 23 and only knew two people here.  Now I’m a coward.  What will I do in a strange city if I’m out in public and having a panic attack?  What about if I need a babysitter?  Our current babysitters are the children of people that we’ve formed relationships with.  It took time.  And we’ve only been in this house a year.  I like this house.  I could dish out more excuses, but you get the idea.

Will I love enough to give my husband the freedom to at least pursue the possibilities?  Will I allow the love to displace the fear?  Stay tuned…..  I am a selfish human.

Free To Be June 13, 2008

My husband’s parents are in town. 

This used to be such a stressful event for me, but these past ten years have brought so much change!  Most of it came within the last two years when we stopped pretending.  I can see now how our old mindset of having all of the answers because we had Jesus really pushed them away.  We had to put on our good Christian mask every time they visited because we were trying so hard to get them saved. 

Stepping out of the religious pretending and striving has allowed us to finally have a relationship with these wonderful people.  As I share my faults and struggles, they open up about their own.  They know we haven’t walked away from our faith and that it has actually deepened, but it is so much easier to discuss spiritual things when you aren’t trying to manipulate the other person.

The freedom of being – of being me and allowing them to be.  There are no words.

Losing My Life June 7, 2008

I have wrestled for the last several weeks with the truth of losing my life to save it.  The great paradox and pain of it.  I was mulling over a post about it for this blog but just couldn’t bring the words together.  Then I got up this morning and visited Sue’s site.  And there it was………..  Click here to read it.

Thank you, Sue.  It is everything I couldn’t express and then some.

Missing My Grandparents June 6, 2008

I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandparents lately.  I was fortunate enough to have all four of them until I was 21, but I sure wish I had a do-over.  It’s funny how we humans never appreciate what is right in front of us until it isn’t there anymore.  I would love to have a conversation with any of the four of them now.  I would be patient with them this time and sit through their list of health woes because somewhere in there would be a nugget. 

And maybe what I didn’t realize while they were here is that it was never about only me.  If I had that do-over I would really listen throughout their complaints because maybe they were just frightened.  Those men that once farmed the land and those women who birthed 11 babies between them – they were strong people.  Growing old must have scared the hell out of them.  Letting go of our bodies cannot be easy.  It’s the only house we’ve ever known.

I finally started to get this just over a year ago when my grandfather was dying.  He was nearly 93 and his numerous strokes had rendered him unable to speak.  I made the trip with my mother and kids to see him one more time, and it finally wasn’t about me.  He had no words to offer, and those arms that once scooped us up to plant what was usually a wet kiss on us remained at his sides.  He had nothing to offer – but there was an opportunity for us.  An opportunity was there for us to rub his feet, feed him some sherbet, talk to him and kiss him.  I was suddenly desperate for one of those wet kisses that I used to try to avoid. 

I wish I had shown as much love to my other grandparents near their ends of this part of our journey.  All I can do is ask Father to let them know how much I really do love them.  I know that I will see them again.

Getting My Hands Dirty June 5, 2008

Once again forever since my last post….

Fred went back to work this past Monday.  They found bone spurs pinching his nerve in three places.  Surgery would be very extensive, so he has gone to a chiropractor and was desperate enough to get an injection in the back of his neck.  We both need to exercise.  We’d probably feel much better.

The gardening bug has bitten (and the mosquitoes as well now).  I grew up spending a great deal of time outdoors, but I wasn’t all that interested in digging in the dirt.  I missed out!

A friend of mine told me that my sudden interest in all of this is my age.  I’m not sure how true that is since my sister has quite the green thumb and she is only 28.  I started out planting flowers everywhere last month, but my husband got me into planting herbs and tomatoes.  Due to our awful clay dirt, we planted in whiskey barrels and terracotta pots (and the one plastic pot in the photo).  Last week I cooked for the first time using our fresh herbs.  It was fantastic!  I am looking so forward to the tomatoes.  They are just starting to grow.

There is something so relaxing about pulling weeds and watering.  I am chickening out from weeding now with the horrible heat wave we’ve already been hit with (not to mention the mosquitoes that try to carry me off), but I thoroughly enjoyed pulling weeds throughout the month of May.  Maybe it was my escape since Fred was home all month.  :)

The photos are a bit over-exposed or something.  I need to take a class.