Yesterday I had a great day with our son, Nathan. Those days can be rare, mostly because I am still struggling to relate to a child who is so different from myself. The frustration level in our relationship can become a wedge between us at times.
So yesterday was wonderful. I was choosing to focus on his strengths and not get so bent out of shape when he didn’t do something my way. The more I chose to relate lovingly with him, the more he cooperated. What a concept!
The sad moment came when I was tucking him in bed last night. I thanked him for being such a sweet boy and talked about what a wonderful day we had. He smiled and said, “Do you love me more since I did a good job today?” When I told him “no,” his face fell. It took several minutes to explain to him that I love him even on his stinkiest of all days and that he doesn’t have to earn my love.
I’m sad that Nathan has learned this performance attitude so well from us. I have spent most of my years relating to Father just the same way. If I do enough and do it the right way, maybe God will love me more. What an incredibly insecure way to live. It’s so hard to unlearn…
Matey, Nathan would have learnt that performance attitude well enough on his own without your influence. It’s so inherent to our natures.
well, I intended to leave a comment but Sue has already said it so I will say something else.
I look at these things as being treadmills we are either born on or just end up on without any effort. I have realized I can’t keep my kids from getting on them and I can’t pull my kids off of them either. This is Father’s territory and a choice my girls must make for themselves at some point just like we all have to. The sooner they reach a point of exhaustion and realize the bankruptcy that is the outcome of the life of obligation and proformance the closer they are to coming to the end of it and giving up the game.
We get to travel with them and love them on their journey…regardless of the journeys they choose. Father is the one that knows how to set them free.
Sue and Kent, thank you both for your encouragement. It’s so easy for me to blame myself for everything regarding my kids – but I’m seeing how unhealthy that is. After all, I certainly can’t take credit for all of the positive things in their lives!
It is interesting, though. I wonder at what point we begin to embrace the idea of love needing to be earned – because we all certainly do it. I just hope my children aren’t on the treadmill as long as I’ve been.