Trying Not To Pretend December 7, 2007

I almost feel the need to apologize to anyone who has been reading this blog with any regularity.  There probably aren’t many of you – a few posts here and you may need Prozac!  However, I sense no need to waver from my decision early on to keep it as “real” as I can.  I am too good at pretending everywhere else.

Religion truly left me bound and caged.  The “good Christian” mask is so destructive.  Everything becomes something that you can’t admit to.  Admitting to panic attacks (especially with them happening during Sunday services) is like admitting to being under demonic oppression.  The group I left a while back blamed the devil and our fighting with him on mostly everything.  It’s very convenient for it keeps us from looking at the one in the mirror.  I had put the chains on myself, or had allowed them to be placed there.

In my former religious experience, a child such as my son could only be the product of bad parenting.  I bought into it and truly thought myself a parenting failure.  Now that I am beginning to see through the illusion of control, I realize that I really do not and cannot control him.  I can try, but the decision will always be his.  No, he is not even remotely the most obedient child I have encountered.  I do wish that he obeyed more.  My life would be much easier.  But that makes it about me again.  So I will continue to blog about my struggles in that arena as well.

Oh, and then there is physical health.  Yes, I remember going for my 12-week appointment during my second pregnancy five years ago.  They could not find the heartbeat.  An ultrasound confirmed a baby – you could see him on the screen.  It was also confirmed that the baby had died.  I went home utterly devastated.  Later that afternoon, a friend suggested that I have another ultrasound because she was praying the baby back to life.  I don’t think I need to further comment on this.

My point is, I will continue to blog about gut-wrenching things sometimes.  Religion had stifled so many things in me and left me paralyzed in so many ways.  Father has been drawing me out and it has not been a picnic at times.  I am hopeful that there are others reading this who will be encouraged that we don’t have to pretend to be prefect anymore.  I believe it’s actually harmful to our souls.  I hope that someone will find the courage to stop wearing their mask, at least partially, as well. 

Incredible miracles take place every day on this planet.  I do not doubt the incredible power of our Father who hung the stars in the sky.  I have been personally touched by a few miracles myself that I may share.  We also live in a world of pain, and even followers of Christ experience that pain.  There is no point in pretending that we don’t.