I realized yesterday sometime during the testing that our daughter endured that my panic issues have a lot to do with control – namely being in control. It was an ugly realization and one that had been lurking in my mind for some time but I kept ignoring. Every once in a while I ponder it, but truly admitting that it is the largest part of this issue means that I will have to begin to let go.
So as I held my 2-year-old down on the table for her to undergo testing, I felt very out of control. When they confirmed that she would have to have surgery, that did not fit into my plans and dreams. I took the information in calmly and appeared very composed the entire time. When I left, I had to dive off the highway in a fit of panic. Why the appearances? Why can’ t I let my guard down and crack in front of others? No, it’s not brain surgery and she doesn’t have cancer. Urinary reflux is highly fixable. But when they wheel her away and put her under, there will be absolutely nothing that I can do. I faced that in January with our son’s tonsilectomy. We start the year and end it with surgery. Yippee. Excuse my bad attitude. I “should” be grateful that we live in such a time that these problems can be corrected. And in my heart I truly am grateful for that.
To quote Kent on his December 2nd post that you must check out, “But the pain we feel is real and the frustration is so suffocating at times we wonder how we will get to the next moment. So we are left fighting because that is all we know to do and we feel that if we don’t, we will be swallowed by that pain. So we are left doing what we can do. We attempt to control everything in the environment we find ourselves.”
That has been my life recently, and it seems pretty consistent with the human condition. Fighting and spinning our wheels. I have the gloves on and I’m swinging, but I’m taking most of my own blows.
So now the business of letting go. I guess the gloves have to come off first. Will I allow Father’s love to remove the gloves and get me out of the ring? I’m not sure that I know how to, to be perfectly honest.
I’ll end this post with a few lines from a poplular song from the 80’s. Remember Janet Jackson? The first few lines from her song Control are:
This is a story about control, my control
Control of what I say, control of what I do
And this time I’m gonna do it my way
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Somehow this song confuses control with freedom. To me, trying to keep control is becoming more and more like a prison.
Tina, my eyes being opened to the tyranny of control (or more honestly the illusion of it that acts as a tyranny) set in motion so many wonderful changes in me. The affect of these changes also touch everyone around me in such wonderful ways.
You will like this prayer that began in me at the beginning of this awakening Jesus walked me through…and continues to walk me through.
Maybe you could educate my mind
Explain all these controls
Yep, that is what I began to ask Jesus to help me with. Does it sound famaliar at all? Go check out the lyrics to U2’s song Elevation. That song became my prayer and did he ever begin to explain all these controls.
I’m praying for you.
Kent, I love that song. Those two lines stood out to me before, but now they take on a whole new life. Thanks for pointing me back to them.
Control really is an illusion, and it has become quite the dictator in my life. It’s amazing how scary freedom can be sometimes, though. The familiar becomes almost like a god to us.
I am grateful for your prayers.