Can Bad Bring Life? December 30, 2007

I had an incoming link to my blog and wanted to share this with everyone.  That quote I posted from my friend triggered a great blog post by someone else.  You can find it here. 

 What I love about it is that it further showed me my own issues I have with judging mostly everything to be “good” or “bad.”  When something with negative consequences happens (especially to me) I am quick to call it bad.  I feel very much like my panic and agoraphobia are bad.  But what if these things ultimately bring life?  What if God really is using these things that we suffer with to do amazing things?  Can I truly then call it bad?  It still feels bad, but this definitely has me thinking…

Can An Agoraphobic Glorify God? December 29, 2007

Thanks everyone for the great feedback on my post yesterday about Psalm 1 and what ungodly counsel means.  My wise friend Susan e-mailed me the following:

“…remember in The Shack when the lady in the cave tells Mac that it’s life versus death, not good versus evil?  So godly means life- bringing. Ungodly means death-bringing.”  Susan’s words here brought about a moment of real clarity for me.  It is so easy to take it back to the old good vs. evil, but it’s not even about that. 

So on to my ponderings for today.  Part of our conversation with the doctor yesterday was about what it means to glorify God.  If we are here to glorify God, can I possibly be bringing God glory with fear and panic gripping me to the point of agoraphobia?  In the moment of the doctor presenting the question, I thought that the answer was a resounding ”no.”  How could I be bringing Him glory?  Our doctor was adamant that unbelievers should want what we have – namely, peace.  Who would want God if it means walking through what I am experiencing?

Well, that was what I thought yesterday.  Today I am disagreeing completely with that stance.  It is in my moments of great pain when it would be so easy to walk away when I feel like I glorify Him the most.  Who wants miscarriages, a child struggling with developmental issues, another child facing surgery…  Some of our friends have been through financial ruin and another couple close to us is in the midst of it.  Then there are those with cancer and depression.  These afflictions do not seem to care whether they strike believers or unbelievers.  So does that mean that all of us experiencing pain are not glorifying God? 

I choose to love and trust Father no matter how my circumstances appear.  It may look like I can’t trust Him with the basics, like going to the grocery store, but I know in the core of my being that He has never left me.  I have my moments of doubt and crying out, but I believe steadfastly that He is working out something in me. 

There are those who would say that my area of affliction is due more to a spiritual deficiency on my part due to its very nature.  All I can do is look back to my 5-year-old self, so willing to please, so scared to go to school that I got sick on the bus all the time.  What was broken then was never really fixed over the years.  So whether this part of me is made whole this side of heaven, I think it’s a load of crap to say that I am unable to glorify the One that I love so dearly.

A Psalm 1 Question December 27, 2007

My husband and I went to the doctor today to talk through the situation I now find myself in.  I wrote a while back about discontinuing my medication for panic disorder.  What a great idea that was!  Now I am dealing more with agoraphobia.

Our doctor is a follower of Christ.  I know that he loves God very much and cares tremendously for people.  That comes through in how he has treated us and our children over the years.  However, I don’t always agree with him and I’m not sure that we will reach agreement on this issue.

My journey with this condition really began when I was a child, though it did not become a true panic disorder until 3 1/2 years ago.  I have always grappled with a high level of anxiety, and there is family history there.  When it became debilitating a few years ago, I was desperate to be fixed.  I sought out counselors in the church we were attending and jumped through all of their hoops.  When that didn’t work, I spoke with other Christian counselors outside that church and jumped through their hoops.  When I was unable to attend church for two years due to my condition, we stopped going and I stopped seeking out “Christian counseling.”

I am in therapy now with someone who is a believer in Christ but she is not a “Christian counselor.”  She has been very beneficial in helping me see a lot of very common sense things that I did not see before.  She has helped me to see a level of brokenness in my relationships and how to take ownership of my own stuff and entrust God with things I cannot change.  However, it is taking time and I am still “losing ground” in the everyday things of life.  That is why we had the appointment today.  I was willing to go back on medication for a short time to turn this thing around. 

Interestingly, the doctor showed concern about my current counseling arrangement.  He quoted Psalm 1 and seemed very concerned that I am receiving ungodly counsel.  He did not come out and say it, but it was insinuated.  He made it clear that it is very black and white – you either receive godly counsel or ungodly counsel. 

Ultimately, he did not want me back on medication so as not to mask the symptom of a deep spiritual issue.  Okay, that’s lovely.  I understand all that he said and even agreed that there is definitely something within me that needs a revelation from God.  However, I am through jumping through hoops to earn that.  So I feel like I am at a crossroads.  Which way to turn?  Christian counseling was damaging my relationship with God.  Maybe there are other counselors we could try, but I’m tired of going through frogs to find the prince so to speak.  What the hell do I do?  There is no reasoning with this condition.

I guess the question at hand for me is what exactly is ungodly counsel?  The answers that used to come so easily for me have been so elusive. 

Merry Christmas December 24, 2007

Well, I’ve done it.  My house is ready to host the family tomorrow.  There will be a total of 15 adults and 5 kids.  It will be quite cozy.  My introverted husband will be holding on for dear life!

Christmas is such a strange thing for me this year.  Past years found me treating the day with holiness and focusing on Christ (as much as I could in the madness).  Last year I started to see it for more of what it truly is  - a pagan celebration taken over by Christians and exploited for commercial gain.  This year I really feel nothing about it except for the fun of having family together.  Oh, and of course watching my young children.  Brianna, at 2 1/2, has figured out that there are presents involved, so she couldn’t be happier about it! 

I do miss that spiritual connection to Christmas.  Lord willing, there is always next year…

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all of you that celebrate it.  May the Holidays bring peace and love to the places in your lives that need it.  And May you draw closer to the Father who loves us all so dearly.

To Live In the Now December 22, 2007

We’ve just officially entered into winter, and I find myself longing for a long-ago memory of snowy fun.  Pennsylvania winters are cold, and we had lots of snow over my years growing up.  We also had a 200 acre farm with plenty of hills and some inner tubes.  It’s amazing we got to adulthood in one piece!  The slide down those hills was exhilerating, but I remember complaining endlessly about the walk back up.  I wanted a ski lift on our farm.

I have been in South Carolina since 1996.  Winters here are truly not the same.  I’ve never seen snow on the ground for more than a day or two, and we’ve only gotten a couple of inches at a time (at the most).  Our children are sadly not getting to experience the fun in the snow that I had growing up.

It’s funny how our memories can be selective, though.  I sit here feeling sad for our children being deprived of an experience, but then I remember how some years the snow would just never go away.  There was also something with the way the clouds moved in our area that caused the sun to hardly ever shine in the winter.  By the end of January every year, I was not pleasant to be around.  Light deprivation is not my friend.

I am reminded right now of how the grass always seems greener (or the snow whiter!) anywhere but where I am.  If I could have anything for Christmas, it would be to learn to live in the now and be content.  The past had its moments of brilliance and moments of heartache, and the future will hold the same.  I want my now to be enjoyed before it slips away.

Christmas Chaos, ADHD, and a Reprieve December 20, 2007

Six days until Christmas!  The pressure is on, but only because I allow it.  After all, the in-laws are coming from hundreds of miles away.  My husband grew up in an immaculate museum.  My house normally looks more like a tornado struck – at least the upstairs.  I’m somewhat able to pretend in the downstairs.  But, we have the potential to have as many as 20 people here on Christmas day, and the upstairs is needed to keep the kids busy.  So I have three days to whip it into shape before company starts arriving.

My problem is that I do not know how to be organized.  I just get overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.  I can keep a desk at work orderly, and I’m able to keep up with the home school materials.  But the files and the books and paperwork – ack!!  I need help. 

Our poor son hardly stood a chance.  His mother is disorganized and his father struggles to pay attention.  So it was no surprise to me when they did indeed say last week that Nathan has ADHD.  His behavior has been so awful lately.  I see a child that in his heart wants so much to please, but he is so impulsive and distracted by everything at all times that he just gets in so much trouble.  When I step back from my frustration, I do feel badly for him.  I look forward to Father bringing the right people along to help us help him.  I’ve never encountered a child with such a mixture of intelligence, curiosity, stubbornness, anxiety, and silliness.

What surprised me about this whole ADHD thing is that they’ve been studying it since 1905.  Who knew? 

As for our daughter, we have a reprieve.  She has been too sick lately to undergo surgery right now.  They are giving her three months on preventive antibiotics before we revisit surgery.  I’m actually glad.  She has a few more months to grow and get stronger.  Now the prayer is that she tolerates the antibiotics.  Her doctor just moved here from the University of Missouri.  So I’ll take this opportunity to give Rob in Missouri a shout-out.  Hello, Rob!

And hello everyone else.  I hope to post again before Christmas, but there are no guarantees.  With two children that resemble small tornadoes and a house feeling the brunt of their storms, I have a lot of work to do!  Peace to everyone!

Another Brianna Update December 17, 2007

For those who have read about our daughter’s health struggles recently, she is pretty sick right now.  It started last Tuesday night when we were out of town for our son’s ADHD and learning testing.  We ended up with her at urgent care, and she is having trouble recovering from this infection.  Her fever has spiked even tonight.  We are really praying for her kidneys to not be damaged.  We were so grateful the other week when the ultrasound showed no sign of damage, but that was before this round of it. 

Her appointment is in two days with the specialist.  We are hoping that surgery can take place soon, and that we can get her healthy for it.  The only other time we have experienced something like this was when our son was born prematurely.  We could literally do nothing but pray.  He wasn’t even home with us.  At least we have her with us, but it is still unsettling.  I know that Father loves her even more than we ever could, but it is so hard to see her normal bubbly and charming personality dulled by fever and general misery. 

I’m eager to move on from this place with a healthy child.

Free To Read Harry Potter December 16, 2007

The first of the Harry Potter books was published a decade ago, and I am finally reading them.  Ten years ago, I was afraid of the Harry Potter books.  I remember being happy that they were successfully banned from some schools.  It didn’t matter that I had never read the books or even knew much about what they were about.  The big Christian names said that they were evil, so it must have been true.  They drummed up the fear mongers and it worked.  Actually, the fear mongers probably only made the books more successful.  Funny how it works that way.

Well, I must say that I am really enjoying these books.  I have finished the first two and am eager to get my hands on the next one.  Why did I even start reading them?  Because I am tired of having others think and make decisions for me.  I wanted to know for myself if they were truly evil.  Millions of children everywhere have read these books.  Have they become so enchanted with the stories that we will have a generation of witches in our midst?  Well, let’s think about his.  There have always been shows, books and movies around involving magic.  I grew up watching them myself – yet I never for a moment had a desire to be a witch.  It’s true that most of the witch-like characters were always evil and they mostly aren’t evil in Harry Potter.  So, let’s look at The Lord of the Rings.  Everyone would agree that Gandalf was a “good guy.”  And Gandalf was a wizard.  Most Christians I know had no qualms with The Lord of the Rings.  Funny how selective we can be.

The Harry Potter books have a lot of life lessons and themes that will make great conversation topics with my kids when they are older.  For example, a professor lured away by evil in the first book states, “There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it…”  I can see that as a wonderful discussion with Nathan someday.  And, it was spoken by a “bad guy.”

So, I feel rather silly today for all of my turning my nose up and refusal to even look into what these books were truly about.  I fail to understand how so many Christians can deem some things so acceptable and others not.  What is the standard?  I thought that Christ was the standard and not the opinion of man. 

Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirabe – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”  I have heard that one used to dissway people from reading Harry Potter.  If that verse can be used in such a manner, than we’ll need to chuck most of the Old Testament from our libraries.  Anyone know the story of Tamar….or David and Bathsheba…?

In Awe December 10, 2007

Yesterday I took the kids to the annual Christmas parade here in our town.  It’s not a huge and fancy parade, but plenty of candy is thrown and that’s the most important thing! 

While I was sitting with my kids, I was thinking back to when Nathan was 2 1/2 like his sister is now.  We took him to this same parade in his stroller, all strapped in with no opportunity to get up.  The people passing out candy came over and handed it to him.  Yesterday, Brianna sat in her own little chair next to her brother.  I sat ear level next to her on the ground and talked to her throughout the parade.  One time while picking up candy that was thrown, she ventured a little too far out onto the road.  I spoke to her about it and showed her where the line was that she was not to cross.  She never crossed it again. 

All of that got me thinking about how our Father knows each of us and interacts with us uniquely.  Six billion people are currently living, and how many have come before us?  He is utterly amazing.  Our son was strapped in at the parade when he was 2 because we knew that was the best thing for him at the time.  However, I knew that Brianna could handle sitting in a chair.  That is only one of the many ways that I know them and interact with them appropriately.  My mind is boggled with how huge our God is.  He knows every detail about each of us, yet I don’t know every detail about my kids.  I can’t see their hearts and I don’t know what they are thinking. 

Today, I am just standing in awe of Him.

Brianna Update December 7, 2007

After our daughter’s initial test on Tuesday, they sent us straight to ultrasound because of the severity of her condition.  Her kidneys were scanned for signs of damage, which was a possibility.  We have received the news that the ultrasound showed no signs of kidney damage.

We are grateful beyond words.  Thanks to those who have prayed.  She will still need surgery and I’ll keep you posted.