Masquerade September 26, 2007

Masquerade!
Paper faces on parade . . .
Masquerade!
Hide your face,
so the world will
never find you!

Masquerade!
Every face a different shade . . .
Masquerade!
Look around -
there’s another
mask behind you!

Flash of mauve . . .
Splash of puce . . .
Fool and king . . .
Ghoul and goose . . .
Green and black . . .
Queen and priest . . .
Trace of rouge . . .
Face of beast . . .

Faces . . .
Take your turn, take a ride
on the merry-go-round . . .
in an inhuman race . . .

Eye of gold . . .
Thigh of blue . . .
True is false . . .
Who is who . . .?
Curl of lip . . .
Swirl of gown . . .
Ace of hearts . . .
Face of clown . . .

Faces . . .
Drink it in, drink it up,
till you’ve drowned
in the light . . .
in the sound . . .

RAOUL/CHRISTINE
But who can name the face . . .?

ALL
Masquerade!
Grinning yellows,
spinning reds . . .
Masquerade!
Take your fill -
let the spectacle
astound you!

Masquerade!
Burning glances,
turning heads . . .
Masquerade!
Stop and stare
at the sea of smiles
around you!

Masquerade!
Seething shadows
breathing lies . . .
Masquerade!
You can fool
any friend who
ever knew you!

Masquerade!
Leering satyrs,
peering eyes . . .
Masquerade!
Run and hide -
but a face will
still pursue you!

Lyrics from the song Masquerade from the Phantom of the Opera.  They are speaking to me today. 

I was open and honest with a loved-one yesterday about a serious concern that I have for them.  It was spoken in love, as I am realizing that at the heart of the masquerade there is not love.  So, I spoke my heart and removed part of my mask.  It was scary for this people-pleaser.  It was not appreciated.

I wonder why the people that we love the most are often the ones who care the least to truly know us.  Maybe it’s not that way with everyone, but it is my experience.  As long as I don’t make waves, as long as I meet the expectations of those closest to me, all is well.  Am I being selfish to long to be known and to know?

Leaving Another System September 21, 2007

Okay, so it’s been a few days.  A few hectic days.

We were pushed out of another system.  Amazing how painful that can be.  Apparently, our son does not fit into the education system.  Christian school was not working, so we tried public school this year.  That lasted a month.  Everyone is trying to diagnose him and slap a label on him, myself included.  ::sigh::  I’ve certainly never encountered another child quite like him.  Why can’t I celebrate that?  Why do I feel inadequate?

It’s amazing how our minds are our own worst enemies.  As I’ve been doing research, I have discovered that a lot of premature babies have similar challenges that my son faces.  So, I automatically blame myself for not eating enough protein while pregnant, getting pre-eclampsia, and causing his birth by c-section 7 weeks early.  While I’m at it, I blame myself that he had to be transported to another hospital and placed on a ventilator, and that I was unable to see him for 3 days or hold him for 6 days.  I have decided that it’s all my fault!!

Why, oh why do I do this??!!  Of course my logical mind knows that I really had no control over any of it.  I was sick, and I didn’t know I was supposed to eat a certain amount of protein early on.  And who knows if that really caused it?  For that matter, who knows if the prematurity caused his brain to be wired the way it is?  Gee, maybe Father created him this way on purpose because he has a unique perspective to bring to the world!

So, while I am having this fight with myself, I get to begin the joy and challenges of home schooling.  Another system left behind – at least for now!

Imperfect Enough to Need Him September 12, 2007

Why do so many followers of Jesus feel the need to be viewed as perfect?

According to The American Heritage Dictionary, the word perfect means  1. Lacking nothing essential to the whole; complete of its nature or kind  2. In a state of undiminished or highest excellence; without defect; flawless.

Even more eye-opening to me was the meaning of the word perfectionism.  1. A belief that moral or spiritual perfection can be achieved by man in this life.  2. A propensity for setting extremely high standards and being displeased with anything less.  (Yuck!)

Is anyone truly drawn to people who are “perfect?”  Don’t they remind us that we don’t measure up ourselves?  Why are Christians the worst offenders at pretending in this arena?  If we believe ourselves to be perfect, then we have no need for Christ.  I don’t think most of us believe ourselves to be perfect, though.  Instead, we want to pretend that Jesus has miraculously made us perfect overnight, that we are the quintessential Christian.  Ah, but then it is an event and not a process.  Father seems to love the process.  Without the process, we would not need Him once the moment of the event passed.

I really think that the lost and hurting would be far more drawn to Jesus in us if we took the perfect mask off.  We’re not fooling them.  We just end up looking foolish – and conceited.  I hope that I remember that the next time my daughter is screaming and snotty in the grocery store and I look like I’ve been through a battle.  Or the next time Nathan’s teachers remind me once again that he is struggling in school this year.  Father is working in all things, great and small.  The process causes me to need Him each moment of the day.  I’m so grateful that He didn’t just “fix” me overnight!

It Happened Again! September 7, 2007

There is something so refreshing about 2-year-olds!  They are certainly able to bring out our true selves.

I was back at that grocery store with little Brianna two days ago.  You would think I would learn!  After an all-out battle in one part of the store to keep her in her seat in the cart, it became apparent that I was losing.  She wanted to be carried and was willing to contort her body to get out of the seat.  Of course, I only conceded after she had screamed her head off through half of the store.

So, I get to the other side of the store carrying her.  She has snot all over her face.  I am suffering a severe case of shiny face from the southern heat and the intensity of the stand-off.  I also later realized that she had trashed my hair in the struggle.  Worst of all, I am suddenly very aware that she smells terrible.

So, we round the corner to grab one more item, and I run smack into someone I had not seen since we attended church.  No problem, really, except that this woman is the epitome of all that I had been previously taught about the Proverbs 31 woman.  She is walking exterior perfection.  She says all of the correct spiritual things and has never breathed an unkind word that I have ever heard.  All of this in her sweet southern accent and not a hair out of place.

Well, you can imagine how I felt!  But, I have made progress!  I went to my car, called my best friend, and laughed hysterically!!  Father has a great sense of humor.  It’s just taking me a while to appreciate it. 

More On Perfectionism September 2, 2007

Well, we’re diving more into this area of not being perfect parents with perfect kids.  I’m meeting with our son’s doctor and his frustrated teachers this week.  If only I could convince my husband to let me home school…  But then, he’d be driving me nuts instead!

Last week I visited the home of a scrapbooking supplies consultant because I wanted to buy stuff to start scrapbooking again.  I had never met her before, but she has a daughter the same age as mine.  They are both two, so I was glad that my Brianna would be entertained while I shopped.  Her five-year-old son kind of made sure that they weren’t destroying anything.

I was grateful that Brianna behaved for the most part.  There were just a couple of incidents over who had whose baby doll.  It was especially a relief because I became increasingly aware that this family was probably somehow affiliated with a certain university here in Greenville, SC that is fundamentalist, evangelical, radical, right-wing, extreme… well, you get the picture.  I was sub-consciously very concerned about how my perfect mask was looking in the presence of this family.  After spending two hours with them, we escaped rather unscathed.

Well, I should have known that I shouldn’t feel too pleased about it.  The next morning, I ran into this same mom with her two very well-behaved children in the grocery store.  As soon as my dear Brianna in her pretty dress recognized them, she immediately put her fingers in the corners of her mouth, pulled her mouth open, and stuck her tongue out.  She then proceeded to twist her features in many interesting ways and stick a finger up each nostril.  The other little girl looked at my daughter like she was an alien, while the 5-year-old boy laughed his head off.  I looked sheepishly at the other mom and she kindly said, “Well, her brother is 7,” as if that explained this impish behavior.

We crossed paths with this family multiple times, and each time Brianna put on a show.  Something interesting happened in my heart, though.  I secretly wished each time that Brianna would do something even more shocking.  I also began to let her know when we were getting ready to see her new friends again so that she could plan her facial assault.  Why was I feeling so rebellious?  Was I hoping to shock them out of their perfection?  No, I don’t think my motives were even that pure.  I don’t know if I want to know why.  Maybe I need to examine my heart further, but I admit that I will probably still laugh.